Changing Seasons in Life

For many years life has been very stable. I've lived in the same area, worked on the same things, spent time with the same people, and done the same recreational activities. However, in a few weeks time my wife and I will move out of state.

There come times when the normal repetition of life suddenly changes. Maybe you lose a job, or you have a shiny new offer letter. Maybe a family member gets sick, or a family member gets better. Maybe you can't handle one more sun-blasted summer or your spouse can't handle one more long winter. Maybe you are tired of your community's culture or just feel in your bones that you need to move and you have no idea why.

Suddenly, the hum-drum rhythm of life has become a cacophony of seemingly endless to-do lists and attempts to rack my brain for anything I'm forgetting. We are selling off unnecessary items so we don't have to move them, working on insurance changes, figuring out our new living accommodations, etc. Essentially, we are running around helter-skelter realizing we have way less time to do everything that we expected.

I've realized that an important aspect of this change is my attitude toward the change itself. Though I have no love for packing (hence why I'm not an avid camper despite loving the outdoors), I believe I'm mostly taking things in stride so far. Yet I can't stop thinking about a few verses of scripture in our current situation.

First, the example of Nephi from 1 Nephi 17:7-9

"And it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had been in the land of Bountiful for the space of many days, the voice of the Lord came unto me, saying: Arise, and get thee into the mountain. And it came to pass that I arose and went up into the mountain, and cried unto the Lord.

"And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto me, saying: Thou shalt construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee, that I may carry thy people across these waters. 

"And I said: Lord, whither shall I go that I may find ore?"

Nephi heard the Lord and acted on what he was specifically instructed to do. Then he heard the Lord again, and asked how he was to accomplish what God was asking him to do.

Alternatively, Laman and Lemuel did not handle the situation the same way, as seen in 1 Nephi 17:17 & 15:9

"And when my brethren saw that I was about to build a ship, they began to murmur against me, saying: Our brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship; yea, and he also thinketh that he can cross these great waters." 

"We have not [inquired of the Lord], for the Lord maketh no such thing known to us."

Nephi, Laman, and Lemuel eventually all left Bountiful to journey across the ocean to their promised land, and they all went in the same ship. However, they went with their hearts in very different places.

I'm finding that I have the same choice. It is time for our family to prepare to relocate, and I determine my own attitude. I can look forward with optimism and faith, or with dissatisfaction, anger, and sloth. To me, the key to keeping the right perspective is trying to stay close to God. To do so, I'm studying the scriptures, praying, and going to the temple often.

And I believe God will take care of me, just as He always has.

One Second Decisions

I almost died today.

The Circumstances
No, I haven't been doing something stupid, in fact this occurrence had nothing to do with my choices, it had everything to do with the choices of someone else. I like to road bike because I enjoy the fresh air and love challenging myself against the mountains. Today, I struggled up hills against a contrary wind, saw a Lamborghini photo shoot next to a waterfall, and (unfortunately) hit a TON of red lights.

I usually see 5-10 other road bikers when I make this trip, more if I stick to the canyon trail instead of riding the road. On my way back down, I was about to go through an intersection at the bottom of a hill. The cars next to me were blasting through it at 40-50 miles an hour, but on that particular hill I average a little under 35 mph.

The car in front of me hit the intersection ahead of me, giving 2 oncoming cars time to turn left before I got there. I carefully check to make sure the walk signal is still lit and it is. Since this is a long crosswalk, that means I still have at least 25-30 seconds to make it before the light turns yellow.

The second car easily finishes clearing the intersection, and the rest of the cars in the turning lane have stopped, seemingly indicating they are going to wait for me to pass. I am 10 yards out, when...

...a third car turns left

...10 yards = 30 feet

...35 mph = 50 feet/sec

This is going to be a head-on collision in less than 1 second, and it is a 2000 lbs car against my 18 lbs carbon bike.

I slam on my brakes, knowing it will be impossible to get under 25 mph on such a light vehicle in such short time, and my bike immediately starts to skate back and forth underneath me. I let out a thunderous yell, which gets the attention of the distracted driver. She stops her car with the hood directly in my path: I need to get at least a foot to the right and I need to get there NOW.

Unfortunately, my bike is now fishtailing so wildly that my biking shoes have unclipped from the pedals, and I'm struggling to keep my balance. If I release the brakes too soon I will straighten out but my current speed will send me over the car's hood. If I try to hold the brakes too long, I will lose control of the bike and hit the pavement.

Milliseconds matter here. I decide to partially release the brakes, which reduces the fishtailing, and I happen to regain control when my bike is angled just right. I flash passed with inches to spare and several inappropriate words fluttering at the edge of my consciousness.

Why I'm Telling This Story
I had done everything right. I wear the proper gear - sunglasses, a bright white shirt, a reflective helmet and gloves, etc. My bike has all necessary reflectors, and I carefully monitor traffic and intersection signals. This also is a very common bike route, meaning that drivers will have seen dozens, if not hundreds of bikers at that intersection so far this year. None of that protected me from these circumstances - I remain unhurt because of my biking skill and blind luck (which I attribute to providence).

These are the sort of circumstances that could have easily cost me months/years of anguish, and might have even taken my life. I had no way to prepare for them, and no way to protect myself from them. Despite my careful preparation and defensive riding, I suddenly found my life at risk due to the choices of another person.

I have two takeaways from this experience.

First, all of us will face circumstances in life that are beyond our control - a lost job, a sick family member, any number of things. When trials come, and they will come, it is up to us to do our very best to endure them and trust that God will make up for any shortcomings. In Philippians 4:3, Paul famously said "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

Second, don't EVER drive distracted, not ever again. Stop texting and put your phone away, or you may take someone's life.

As always, stay strong.

Austin

Corporate Responsibility (part 1)

A couple of weeks ago I attended a dinner honoring several Utah entrepreneurs who are nearing the end of their careers - men who have built companies that provide thousands of jobs to people along the Wasatch Front. The keynote speaker at this event was Mark Benioff, CEO of Salesforce.com (which provides the best sales software in the world), a man who is worth billions financially.

In the course of his keynote, Benioff spent part of his time on the importance of corporate responsibility and giving back to the community. Salesforce tries to do it's part using the "1-1-1" rule. This means 1% of the company profits are donated to charity (since Salesforce is so successful, they have actually built and maintain a hospital in San Francisco), 1% of their service is donated to groups trying to improve the world (hundreds of thousands of non-profits use their service for free), and 1% of their employees' time is spent doing community service.

All of the above are laudible acts by themselves. Together, they make Salesforce one of the most socially responsible businesses in the country.

Later in the evening, an individual got up for a 3 minute speech and said, in effect, "Mr. Benioff, you follow your 1-1-1 rule, but I'll do you one better. Since my company makes medical devices, everything we do is to help the community!" I groaned inside, and focused on not flinging a roll at the guy.

First, the logic here is faulty. Saying you are doing more good making millions as you sell overpriced medical devices is ridiculous. If this individual begins to give away their products to hospitals for free, I'll consider them in the same ballpark as Benioff.

Even more importantly, what possessed this individual to bring this up?

"Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:

That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly."

Matthew 6:1-4

Benioff did not seem to be boasting, since he only addressed his 1-1-1 policy when Josh James (who was interviewing him) asked a question about it. The second man's words, on the other hand, were dripping with arrogance.

I managed to not throw that roll.

The Right Person, at the Right Time, in the Right Place

A friend of mine recently told me that Ezra Taft Benson, one of the Mormon prophets, courted his wife for 7 years before getting married. I was shocked, since that is not an experience many members of the church have had. (He showed me this as proof, and it made me want to write out my thoughts on the topic - https://www.lds.org/ensign/1994/04/dating-a-time-to-become-best-friends?lang=eng)

Background
Since a number of my friends are not familiar with the prevalent dating culture among Mormon people, let me give you some background. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believe that God wants marriage to be eternal (rather than 'till death do you part'), and that marriage and family are a vital part of God's plan for all of us. As such, Mormons do not believe in having sex outside marriage, and young members of the church are encouraged to begin looking for their spouse relatively early on, often around 20-21 years old.

Any organization promoting behavior will see informal practices crop up around the promoted behavior; in this case, young single adults sometimes face a surprising amount of pressure to find their mate quickly. Usually this pressure comes from well-meaning but misguided family members who want the best for the single person, but don't seem to remember the difficulties faced by young people in the dating scene.

Since this blog is a way for me to express myself, I want to express some reasons why couples should not rush into marriage before they are really ready.

1. Marriage is a Big Deal
To Mormons, marriage is even more than a lifetime commitment to your spouse: since the LDS Church teaches that marriage relationships can exist beyond death (if the marriage is performed by proper authority), we literally are deciding we want to be with someone forever. We are making an eternal commitment!

2. Infatuation ≠ Love
We've all seen it. The new couple gazing rapturously into each other's eyes, seemingly unable to stop holding hands, etc. A classic Disney character would refer to these people as twitterpated, and we need to be careful we don't lose ourselves while in this temporary state.

Hugh B Brown was a leading member of the LDS church for many years, and served as both a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and in the First Presidency. Elder Brown once said,

"Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry. … Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain] physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their proposed companions, to know each other’s likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 27, 34)

It is worth noting that Elder Brown does not give a specific timeline. This means we need to ask God what the right time frame is for us in our individual circumstances. Another idea that is worth consideration: 'Even the early stages of physical expression of romance can eclipse the mental and spiritual aspects of a relationship and thus halt its progress.'

3. We Shouldn't Deceive Ourselves
When we start a relationship with someone, we usually will try to smooth over the rough parts of our character in an attempt to make ourselves look more appealing. We may put our partner up on a pedestal, almost hero-worshiping him or her as we paint an unrealistic picture of their qualities as well.

If we blind ourselves from seeing things as they really are, we put ourselves at risk for future difficulty.

"Dr. Craig Horton, a marriage and family therapist in southern California, conducted an informal, unpublished survey among couples whose marriages had failed. When asked what had gone wrong, most of the participants cited a major flaw in the spouse’s character or some insurmountable difference. What surprised Brother Horton was that virtually all participants reported having sensed these flaws or differences before marriage, yet they had relied upon romance and love to overcome them."

4. None of the Above is an Excuse
It is easy to think that "I can't find the right relationship because of _______." While _______ may be true, the main reason for my personal issues is actually me. If I fully believe in going into relationships with eyes wide open, I first need to apply that same lens of critique to myself.

In reality, since finding the right spouse is important to me, I must first become that type of person I want to marry. What kind of person should that be? The answer can be found in the words of Jesus, "Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am." (3 Nephi 27:27)

Conformity

I've lived in several parts of the United States. One of the eye opening experiences I had, as I moved from the west coast to the east coast to serve an LDS mission, revolved around the various cultures that existed from one state to another. New Hampshire seemed to have the same resonance that the west coast had, Vermont had a progressive feel, while Maine came across as "down east" (if you've ever been there, you know what I mean). In each of these states, I met hundreds of people that have never moved out of state. They are satisfied with their lives, and are happy with the culture that they enjoy with friends and family.

When my time as a missionary came to a close, I returned home to Idaho for a few months, then started my college experience at Brigham Young University. My time in Provo, UT was a unique experience, since many of my classmates and professors belonged to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Never before had I been surrounded by so many who believed the same things about God that I did.

Immediately after I graduated from BYU in 2012, I moved to San Francisco. There, I was introduced to several new cultures, from the hipster movement to the tech industry to startup culture (which I have since joined). While I was there, I suffered through seemingly endless hours of traffic, ran along the beach, and ate at some great restaurants.

Each period of my life is marked by very different experiences that differentiate it from the others. One experience that has remained throughout each has been the pressure to conform. Serve my mission a certain way. Believe a certain thing. Support a certain group or movement. Wherever we live, society tries to pressure us into following the "acceptable" path.

Regardless of my personal belief on any particular issue, I believe the trend of forcing conformity is wrong. It relies on fear and shame to motivate, not truth or what is right. Rather than pressure people to conform to our way of thinking, we should 1) understand, 2) explain, and 3) invite others.

1) Understand. Until you know where the other person is coming from, you cannot really respect their opinions as an individual. We cannot do that unless we ask questions and actually listen.

2) Explain. When you understand what the other person believes, and why they believe it, you can to start to explain your own opinions in a non-threatening way that your friend can understand.

3) Invite. Ask this person to do something about what you've talked about together. Have them research something for themselves, join that service group to see what you mean, or to talk to God and get his opinion. Ask them if you can chat with them again in the future.

Conformity is based on fear, both for the society who fears its members and for the individual who conforms, not mutual respect and enlightenment. If we are as right as we think we are, fear should never be our motivation.

June Hayden - A Woman of Good

While I was growing up, we lived only a few short miles from both sets of grandparents. As such, I spent a significant amount of time at my grandparents' houses with my family, ranging from Sunday afternoons to date night for my parents.

From these many childhood experiences, I have been able to detect a theme of character for my Grandma Hayden. Whether she was filling up the jar of Swedish berry candy, playing City-Search (a game of her own creation), frying an omelette, teaching us Hide-the-Thimble, bringing out banana Cremies, or watching us roam the mountainside that was her backyard, she was ever focused on the individual.

My grandma lived a very difficult early life. Her father was critically injured while she was a young girl, and never regained his full strength - this left the family in difficult circumstances during the Great Depression. When she was 16, her life was again significantly altered by the advent of World War II.

At the end of the War, June met my grandfather, Ben Hayden. After an interesting courtship, they were married. Their first child was a daughter, followed by 5 sons.

Life was not simple in the Hayden household, as June's faith was often a point of conflict with members of Ben Hayden's family. This occasionally spilled over into home life as well, but June did her best to be a good influence on her husband, children, and extended family. When my father was in his late teens Grandpa Ben finally made the decision to be baptized.

When Ben had a stroke in the late 1990's, my grandma could be seen ever caring for him until his death in 1999. Not once did I see her complain.

Grandma was always there for me, and for each member of my family. When I graduated from high school, when I left on a two-year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, when I went to college, and every time I have been home since she would give a happy laugh and say "I love you kiddo."

I learned that Grandma passed away early this morning. I was able to see her about a week prior to this, when the only words she could still say were "I love you".

11 Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.

 12 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.

Alma 40:11-12 

People often ask me to explain what I believe - because of Jesus Christ, my family will be reunited beyond the grave. "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent (John 17:3)."

God be thanked for the influence of this wonderful lady and for the gift of His Divine Son.

There's Not Enough Stuff in This Minimalist Template

A room. A guy. A comment. "There's not enough stuff in this minimalist template!"

Here are some thoughts about expectations. I've heard people say that the richer you are, the more likely you are to be depressed. Is that true? I dunno. I do think mild depression that we often complain of can be directly tied to our expectations though. (This is not referring to severe or chronic depression, as those often have various physiological and environmental factors.)

An experience I had while I was in college (and still under the illusion that I would be a good engineer) illustrates my point. I emerged from a test disappointed, since I thought things had not gone very well (some of the material took me unawares). To my surprise, I hadn't done as poorly as originally expected. In fact, I had done much worse!

My initial reaction was disbelief. A 50-something on a test I'd been expecting an 85-90% on? Disbelief congealed into depression until the following class period. The professor announced the class average, and I realized I'd actually done pretty well.

What is the difference between Day 1's depression and Day 2's consolation? Expectation. I was NOT ok feeling inferior to a majority of my classmates because I thought my brains should bring me "good" grades. Somehow, that expectation of "good" grades was met when I realized I was dumb but my classmates were even dumber than me (I'm not sure how that is consoling on any level).

Another example: while I was searching my heart to discover if I believed in God, I often wondered "Why doesn't God just appear in front of me?" As I continued this search, though, I realized that my expectations of God were quite removed from the truth. I had seemingly decided that I knew what God should do, while a fundamental concept of Christianity is accepting both the what and the when of things He chooses to give to us. This is a "not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42) sort of thing.

So what can we do to make our expectations reasonable? Each of us views the world through the lens of our experiences, so each view is different.

Destroying all expectation does as much harm as a false expectation. I've found the best way to approach things is to recognize when my expectations stop providing motivation and instead cause myself or those around me pain. When such recognitions come, I let go of things that are is unimportant, and find something else to occupy my mind.

The question is, where is that template....