The Right Person, at the Right Time, in the Right Place

A friend of mine recently told me that Ezra Taft Benson, one of the Mormon prophets, courted his wife for 7 years before getting married. I was shocked, since that is not an experience many members of the church have had. (He showed me this as proof, and it made me want to write out my thoughts on the topic - https://www.lds.org/ensign/1994/04/dating-a-time-to-become-best-friends?lang=eng)

Background
Since a number of my friends are not familiar with the prevalent dating culture among Mormon people, let me give you some background. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believe that God wants marriage to be eternal (rather than 'till death do you part'), and that marriage and family are a vital part of God's plan for all of us. As such, Mormons do not believe in having sex outside marriage, and young members of the church are encouraged to begin looking for their spouse relatively early on, often around 20-21 years old.

Any organization promoting behavior will see informal practices crop up around the promoted behavior; in this case, young single adults sometimes face a surprising amount of pressure to find their mate quickly. Usually this pressure comes from well-meaning but misguided family members who want the best for the single person, but don't seem to remember the difficulties faced by young people in the dating scene.

Since this blog is a way for me to express myself, I want to express some reasons why couples should not rush into marriage before they are really ready.

1. Marriage is a Big Deal
To Mormons, marriage is even more than a lifetime commitment to your spouse: since the LDS Church teaches that marriage relationships can exist beyond death (if the marriage is performed by proper authority), we literally are deciding we want to be with someone forever. We are making an eternal commitment!

2. Infatuation ≠ Love
We've all seen it. The new couple gazing rapturously into each other's eyes, seemingly unable to stop holding hands, etc. A classic Disney character would refer to these people as twitterpated, and we need to be careful we don't lose ourselves while in this temporary state.

Hugh B Brown was a leading member of the LDS church for many years, and served as both a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and in the First Presidency. Elder Brown once said,

"Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry. … Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain] physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their proposed companions, to know each other’s likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 27, 34)

It is worth noting that Elder Brown does not give a specific timeline. This means we need to ask God what the right time frame is for us in our individual circumstances. Another idea that is worth consideration: 'Even the early stages of physical expression of romance can eclipse the mental and spiritual aspects of a relationship and thus halt its progress.'

3. We Shouldn't Deceive Ourselves
When we start a relationship with someone, we usually will try to smooth over the rough parts of our character in an attempt to make ourselves look more appealing. We may put our partner up on a pedestal, almost hero-worshiping him or her as we paint an unrealistic picture of their qualities as well.

If we blind ourselves from seeing things as they really are, we put ourselves at risk for future difficulty.

"Dr. Craig Horton, a marriage and family therapist in southern California, conducted an informal, unpublished survey among couples whose marriages had failed. When asked what had gone wrong, most of the participants cited a major flaw in the spouse’s character or some insurmountable difference. What surprised Brother Horton was that virtually all participants reported having sensed these flaws or differences before marriage, yet they had relied upon romance and love to overcome them."

4. None of the Above is an Excuse
It is easy to think that "I can't find the right relationship because of _______." While _______ may be true, the main reason for my personal issues is actually me. If I fully believe in going into relationships with eyes wide open, I first need to apply that same lens of critique to myself.

In reality, since finding the right spouse is important to me, I must first become that type of person I want to marry. What kind of person should that be? The answer can be found in the words of Jesus, "Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am." (3 Nephi 27:27)